How to Save A Life

Advance apologies for the ensuing mental vomit - it's chaos in my head, and it has to come out somewhere...

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~

This poem is on my fridge.  When I first read it, I was dumbfounded.  I knew that it spoke to me, that it was a message I needed to hear.  In the past few days, I continue to be drawn to it, but the voice is louder now.  It is practically screaming, "Do SOMETHING!" 

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday.  "Why am I stuck?", I asked.  I mean, if my life changes, if things are different - well then, things are just different, so WHAT is stopping me from DOING SOMETHING?? 

Perhaps it is just a giant question of how to define something...well WHAT then?  I have no idea.  Well, I have some idea.  When I have been looking at my life lately, all I see is a big fat "F".  Of the things I dreamed I would have: an education, a loving husband, children, an amazing career, financial security...I have only one - the kids.  But all that keeps weight on me these days is that I NEED all of those other things to give my kids what THEY need so that their dreams can come true. 

Well, that was a fine how do you do.  In just typing that, I figured out what is weighing me down.  It is that enormous pressure that I put on myself to get it right, to not make any more "mistakes", because now, it isn't just about MY dreams.  Their dreams - the dreams of three other human beings - hinge on mine.  It is that crazy ripple effect.  I'm the pebble, but instead of thinking that I'm putting out a tiny flutter across the surface, I feel like any choice I make is going to result in a tsunami.  I have SUCH a mindset of failure that I'm paralyzed by the fear of future failure.  Mental punching bag, anyone?

Well aren't I just an idiot?  We ALL fall down.  We all screw up.  Ups and downs, and around and arounds.  That's life, right?  The roller coaster.  Staying with the water metaphor, it is the ebbs and the flows.  Some of the greatest inventions of our times were accidents.  Some of the greatest people in history failed famously, and publicly.  That's the deal, right?  Try, try, and try again. 

I have to get out of my own stupid way.  I have to DO SOMETHING. I can't just say I want to do something.  I have to listen to that voice, and set out on that journey, because some dreams just WON'T WAIT!

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,