Monday, February 20, 2012

The road less traveled

I've been in a really dark place for the past few days.  The near loss of a lifelong friend rocked my world.  On the heels of what had already been a couple of months of a never ending roller coaster ride, especially following the past two weeks of tests, challenges, and soul searching, it was the proverbial straw to break the stressed out camel's back.

The thing is, I know how to find my way out.  I also know that it is OK to be in that dark place.  You can't appreciate the light if you don't understand the lack of it.   I don't recommend LIVING in that dark place, but it is definitely worth an occasional visit. Usually, the trip isn't planned, but somehow, it always happens at a time when our psyche needs it most. 

What is difficult though, is being judged or misunderstood when you are in that place.  So often, people have no idea of what you're struggling with or what led you to retreat into the depths of your own soul. They move to criticize, to dismiss, to minimize or even invalidate what you're experiencing, and sometimes that can make it a lot harder to find our way back.

I have learned a lot of life's lessons during those lonely, worrisome times.   I know when I need to say "ENOUGH."  I know when I need to let go and let someone out of my life.  I know when I need to stand up for what matters to me.  Most of all,  I know when I need to reach out, not needing a cure, but just a friend and a reminder that it is OK to hurt and cry and even to rage and wonder and worry.  As one of my favorite pieces of prose says, "I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it."  It is hard to do that - to just let someone you love hurt...but from the hurt comes healing, if only you can simply love them and listen.  Sometimes it isn't about fixing, but instead just co-existing.

I'm still not quite back to myself, but I am fully aware of the road that I am traveling right now.  It is going to twist and turn and take me over some bumps...but I'm hoping that I will find my way to some smoother paths soon.  Until then, I just need some understanding, acceptance, and love to light my way. 

11 comments:

  1. You have such a healthy attitude. Not every day or even every stage is going to be bluebirds and sunshine--and that's okay. We feel what we feel and need to accept and honor that in ourselves as we would in a dear friend. That, I think, is the most important step to not dwelling permanently in the murk and mire.

    I hope you find all the understanding, acceptance, and love that you need--from the world, and from yourself. ♥

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    1. I try to have a healthy attitude - but I hurt and I rant (as other blog posts will show) but I try to get out of that awful place as quickly as possible. I can remember a time in my life when the pain of difficult times would consume me. Now, it creeps in, but leaves quickly.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts - I'm in the midst of mixed reactions at the moment, but the love definitely pulls me through.

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  2. Sometimes it isn't about fixing, but instead just co-existing.


    This definitely struck a chord with me and one that I so understand, especially right now. Sometimes we just need someone to understand we're at a place of confusion and we aren't asking someone else to fix anything, just to hear us. Just to give us those 5 seconds of recognition that things just aren't right with us right now, but we'll be ok. We just need to know that when things get rocky, unsure, and even looking a little psycho someone else is going to be okay to just sit and listen, let us hurt, let us be angry, let us not dodge the potholes for the lessons we have to learn that can only come from not making or taking detours around them.

    I love you lady, LNL <3

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    1. Don't get me wrong, there are moments I need a serious grab by the shoulders, set me straight talking to. But for the most part, my darkest times are so short lived, that when they do creep in, that acceptance and stillness are what I need most. There ABSOLUTELY have to be people in our lives who can live with our brand of crazy - who can ride out the storms with us...because as you said, that is where the most important lessons are learned!

      Love you too!

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  3. It's so difficult for me to not try and fix someone's hurt when that someone is a person that I care about. Deep down I want to believe that there is an answer for everything, an answer that will make it okay...then the realist in me realizes that may not always be the case. You are right though, sometimes all we need is a friend to just be at our side...we can feel twice as strong even with someone's quiet presence and that's all the answer we need.

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    1. Amazing, isn't it, how true it is that actions speak louder than words? A hand to hold, arms to embrace, someone to offer a tissue or a piece of chocolate...that does a lot for the soul!

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  4. I have said similar words to my husband, the fixer in my life. He finally (only 30 years of training required) gets it. He just hugs me and lets me feel or rant or cry or whatever. He has learned to just be near, but not smother and smother if I am getting lost. It's hard to train people who love you how to get through the crud things.
    Wonderful post. Wishing you all the love and affection you need. ♥

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    1. That's so funny - prior to my divorce I had read "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and an entire chapter was devoted to men and their "toolboxes". They are absolutely, genetically programmed to be fixers. I think that is why women are so drawn to their girlfriends. Women usually get that lovey, talky, feely side and are better at just listening. (although in some cases the closer I am to someone, the more inclined they seem to be to try to set me straight) That is impressive that your training regime worked, and even MORE impressive that you are together 30 years later. THAT is inspiration!

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  5. I agree with you and the ladies. I've been singing the blues for weeks and, now that I'm in the kicking my butt into action stage, your post strikes a cord. Timing.

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  6. Hi there! I hope you're having an amazing day! I'd like to give you The Versatile Blogger Award. You can get it here: http://pleasing2theeye.blogspot.com/2012/02/versatile-blogger-award.html
    Cheers!

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  7. I just came across this quote and it fit the theme of this blog perfectly!

    "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." ~Henri Nouwen

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