Monday, February 13, 2012

Upsetting the apple cart

I've been hooked on cliches lately.  This probably stems from the college classes that I am taking - they make you think very literally, and only then can you see how some phrases have truly become a part of the vernacular.  One in particular that my Gram used to say was, "don't upset the apple cart" when I'd become frustrated.  She wanted me to be rational and thoughtful, and for so many years of my life, I tended to be anything but.  I am strong willed, strong minded, and didn't always understand how to harness those traits and make them work to my advantage. 

I wish there had been a little more guidance on making right choices. I wish I understood that phrase then.  With little to base my decisions on other than a fire in my gut and a notion that I wanted to change the world, I forged on.   What I didn't realize was that somehow, I was filling my cart with wormy, rotten apples, and now it seems I've dumped the whole damn thing down a hill, losing the apples and smashing the cart to bits. 

Generally, it is quotes rather than cliches that I seek and find inspiration.  As of late though, no matter what words of wisdom or truth I read, write, or recite, I still find myself buried in worry, fear, and at some points, self - loathing.  I tend to be a positive person, but I am struggling to see the bright side of anything these days.  The worst part of it is that while I understand how I got where I am, and what responsibility I have in the choices that I have made, I am having trouble understanding that despite having a good heart and the best intentions, that I still feel so horrible.

How many mistakes do we have to make?  How bad do things have to get before they turn around? And for all the good I do and love I share and time I give, when does it finally come back?  How do I stop feeling absolutely stuck? How do I build myself a new cart, and where do I find a tree with delicious, healthy apples to start refilling the cart of my life again?

The quote I read today really struck me, as paralyzed is exactly how I am feeling.  I feel like an accident victim, staring at the damaged cart and the smashed apples and the giant mess that appears to be my life and I just can't imagine how to clean it all up.

But the words were this:  "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're supposed to help you discover who you are." -Bernice Johnson Reagon

Well, I HAVE discovered who I am.  At this point in my life I truly know EXACTLY what I want, I just have NO idea how to get there, and I feel like I have no choices.  How do I start picking new apples when I can't afford a cart or know where there are any blossoming apple trees?  In this dead of winter of my life, how do I start over?

I didn't just upset the apple cart, I may as well have set off a bomb inside of it.  I self destructed my own life, and while I accept responsibility for that, I now have to figure out how to start over.  I'm trying to set my life back into motion, but when you are paralyzed by fear and worry and remorse, how do you right the cart and get back to harvesting the fruits of a joyful life?



  1. As long as you learn from your own mistakes, too bad if you do upset the apple cart. I upset plenty during my life and managed to learn from most of my mistakes - I think?

  2. I have learned...enough to fill volumes. Yet lately, the world keeps sending me such mixed messages that even what I thought I'd learned seems wrong. I am usually more than a glass half full girl...but I seem to have set the glass down and can't remember where these days.