Today, I could really care less about any one or any thing else in this world. I've had enough. For today, I'm going to behave like everyone else out there. I am going to be obnoxious, selfish, self absorbed, thoughtless, rude, unappreciative, and lazy. I'm going to see what it feels like to walk in the shoes of those who are so ready to abuse, criticize, or take for granted people like me.
I have lived by the mantras that "if you want to change your life, you've got to change your life", "what you put out into the Universe comes back to you three fold", and "you can't change anyone but yourself" for most of my life - and have REALLY committed to those ideals for over five years now. Particularly since my divorce, I've done everything possible to be the best person that *I* can be - I've gone to therapy, I've read motivational books, watched inspirational programming and DVD's, been to workshops, surrounded myself with what I thought were positive people, journaled, blogged, Feng Shui-ed, manifested, vision boarded, and generally tried to live my life as a person who gives of myself without thinking about what's in it for me. I volunteer and advocate in areas of my life where I am passionate and believe I can make a difference. I do it because I can, because I'm blessed to have certain skills and talents and I think they should be shared, and because I think there is value in a life of service. I don't expect anyone to fall at my feet for those things, but I do expect that as I give to the world, the world will give back to me. I thought that I'd been paying it forward and that it would somehow come back around. Isn't that how it is supposed to work? Isn't there some kind of reward for being good and generous and giving?
Well, my life hasn't changed, what has come back to me three fold are heaps of shit and mountains of stress, and still I'm told repeatedly that I'm not enough, I haven't "learned the lessons" yet, and that maybe I need more therapy. I've been mocked, yelled at, and even blatantly laughed at for my beliefs and efforts. At this point, I'd really just like to tell the world - and those people in particular who have cut me to the core, to go screw themselves. What I'm getting lately is that the more you give, the more is expected of you, and the LESS you get. I feel like I have completely lost myself in trying to be that good and giving person - only to be told again, "well, you shouldn't have done so much!" Seriously, HOW am I supposed to get it right? Too much, not enough, either way it can't possibly be that I've been dealt a shitty hand or that maybe someone ELSE should step up for a change. It always comes down to there being something "wrong" with me.
I keep watching those around me. What they desire appears in their lives, and they don't seem to be doing anything that I'm not. For that matter, I doubt that many of them are EVER consciously considering how to create what they desire in their lives. It just HAPPENS! I watch people who are just completely consumed by their own selfish desires completely take for granted what they have, complain constantly, treat others poorly, and STILL have what they want. Oh wait, and then they continue to ask for MORE - not just ask - DEMAND - and often from me. Sometimes I don't have anything left to give. It's also ironic that those who are immersed in the best moments of their lives are the first to criticize. Really, it's a bit of a slap in the face when someone truly can't see the depth of your pain because the worries aren't pounding on their door.
I continue to struggle. And then, I ask myself, are my critics right? What AM I doing wrong? Why is THIS my path? Some answer that we manifest, we choose our paths. I can PROMISE YOU that I DID NOT manifest being alone in my life save for 3 children who absolutely consume my every moment. THAT was NOT part of my plan. It is not anything that has EVER been a conscious thought to me, yet, it is what I have. I have no family around to speak of save for a heap of dysfunction that contacts me when they want something, and oh wait, and criticise, belittle, and take advantage of me whenever possible. There are very very very few people that I know who have a situation that is remotely close to mine. Yes, there are some who have family who drive them nuts or a husband or partner who doesn't "do their part" - but that does not make them ALONE OR a "SINGLE PARENT".
UGH! THAT ONE pisses me off more than most. "Oh, my husband/wife doesn't do much, so I'm like a single parent." SERIOUSLY!?!? Um, no, you're not. Until there is absolutely no other adult to consult about decisions, bring home a paycheck, prepare a meal, check homework, fix something that is broken, or drive somewhere; until you truly don't have anyone to "divide and conquer" between multiple children, until that person DOES NOT reside in your home and participate in raising your child/children, you're NOT "like" a single parent. Stop insulting those of us who are. Sorry, I digress, but really, that infuriates me and is the epitome of hurtful and inconsiderate to single parents.
If we manifest, then why is it that the things that have been CONSTANT WISHES AND DREAMS IN MY LIFE have never appeared? True love, a big, happy family, a wonderful, fulfilling career, and a beautiful home to will with love and friends and laughter. Those are the things that my dreams have been woven of my entire life. And yet, they are absent.
I don't want to sound like a martyr. I don't want to disrespect or disregard what I do have - my children are incredible blessings and I adore being a mother to them and feel privileged to be in their lives - but I DON'T appreciate being disrespected, or having to make every decision and provide for their every need by myself. It is absolutely exhausting, to the point that on days like this I am nothing but bitter and angry at the thought of even pouring them a bowl of cereal.
I do have wonderful friends, but they have their own lives and they aren't here in my day to day -- and sometimes even when they are, there are a few who without a doubt take far more than they give. If I'm having a bad day they react with "What's Tanya's problem?", not, "I love you, can I help?" For those that are there with love and support, I'm so thankful.
Lately, it is even more confusing because every message in my life is a complete contradiction. I feel like just when I'm figuring things out or making the right choices or changes, they turn out to be ridiculous messes. I feel like insane situations keep presenting themselves, and I have no clue how to deal with them. The last one, the one that really threw my emotions into overdrive...well I don't even have words for that one, but it has certainly caused me to take pause and ask a lot of questions about life.
I needed to write this. I had to spew out all of the hate and anger and frustration. No one has any problem dumping theirs on me, so here is mine. And do you know something? I don't want any answers. I know that in a few days, I'll be back to my normal giving, optimistic self - at least I hope I will.
All I needed, all I craved was someone to say, "hey, I love you, and it will be OK" even if that is an utter lie. I needed some time without everyone demanding of me. I needed a break from "Tanya, Tanya, Mommy, Mommy, gimme, gimme." I needed to not feel broken, or wrong, or like I still had some kind of work to do. I just needed to feel loved and protected - like I had a soft place to land when the horrifying free fall stopped. Instead, I had doors slammed, criticisms abound, and more demands piled on.
I hope I can weed through this. I hope that the tears and the pain stop and that some answers come. I don't need more therapy or to write in my gratitude journal or any other band-aid. I just need to be in my pain, to have my worries accepted and validated, and to maybe to have someone to lean on or hold my hand while I'm finding my way. I don't want anyone elses shoes...I just want mine to not hurt so much.