Time. 7 long years. 20% of my life.
If you had asked me then, I never would have fathomed that I would still be alone 7 years after my divorce. I envisioned a couple of years of adjustment and soul searching, but then I imagined someone wonderful would come into my life and be my partner on this crazy roller coaster ride. I thought someone would be by my side helping me make the hard decisions, and celebrating life's little victories.
Instead, here I am, 7 years later...still single. Everyone had their opinions and advice. At first it was - "it's too soon, you haven't been alone that long." Truth be told, I was alone for most of my marriage. 15 long years together - at the breaking point - half my life. We existed. We never really lived, and we truly probably didn't love much at all. So that few years seemed like an eternity.
Later, it was "put yourself out there!" I did. I had some horrific first dates. I posted that computer classified that garnered little response. I did have a few relationships, but nothing that lasted...and nothing that ever brought that feeling that I so desperately desire.
Over time, I have watched so many of my friends meet people, fall in love, and find their bliss. I wonder then, why this one thing continues to elude me? And it is never fun to be the 5th wheel.
So here I am...still waiting. The online route is not an option. Whenever I try that, it just never feels right. Besides, isn't it the Match.com ads that say 1 in 5 new relationships begin online? What about the other 4? I find it hard to believe that in all of my experiences, and in all of the things that I do and places that I go, that someone hasn't come into my life.
I feel like I've tried everything. I've written. I've Feng Shui'd. I've prayed. I've tried to manifest. I've immersed myself in self improvement and creating a good life for myself...but time, it marches on.
I have a lot of blessings - beautiful children, amazing friends, exciting and rewarding experiences - but the one thing I desire most, someone to share all of it with, still escapes me. Time is what I wish for. Someone to savor life's moments with me - to lie down beside me at night and wake with me in the morning. To dream with me, to grow old with me.
I'm growing older, but still...I wait. And time, it keeps on ticking...